Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
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When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity