A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
everyone’s a critic
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time