calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.