Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Just grow your own
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?