Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
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Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
It’s an epidemic…
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo