every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]