Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
You Might Also Like
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.