DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
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My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
LOL!
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new