*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
New Tinder profile.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I think I’ll stand
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.