Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
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[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Cheer up.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.