If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
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[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE