When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Swedish for common sense.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?