I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you