Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.