SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise