[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
You’ll be OK
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?