Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
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Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.