Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
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Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
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Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.