One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
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Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.