Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
You Might Also Like
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO