When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
i meant to share this earlier
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.