Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Pretty much. 🤣
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“That’s what” – She
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒