“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
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My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable