every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
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EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
The old gods are rising again.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
They’re not wrong
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Whoa 😂
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine