[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
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After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
*exercises sarcastically*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Fiction has to make sense.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
bro what is going on at twitter
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
This is not me but this is me
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”