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[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Who needs an Air Fryer?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared