I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
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I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.