Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
my favorite genre of twitter
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.