*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I think I’ll stand
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.