Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
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i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank