I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
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I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years