dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
BETRAYAL
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.