Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.