Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
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Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
All excellent questions
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree