Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.