All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
when someone compliments me
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I like long walks away from everyone
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival