I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
You Might Also Like
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR