Me: don’t ππΌ judge π other π people π be kind βπΌπ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Well well well…
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said βall my friends know you as the girl I tease constantlyβ and I responded βoh shit thatβs crazy my friends donβt know about you at allβ
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well Iβm here & theyβre not so
Brain: so weβre walking cos I put them in there & if theyβre not there then theyβre lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Donβt go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesnβt mean coming into the forest and screaming βfix my lifeβ at the trees.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me