I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
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To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*