May have had one breakfast too many
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.