*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
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I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Seems legit
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
December birthdays be like…