he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
You Might Also Like
I cannot call her anything else now
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
you telling me a banana nut in this bread