Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
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Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.