a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
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*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
also my go-to takeaway order
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
When you put it that way… 😂
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.