Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Its true…
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.