The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
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this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.