If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan