One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
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[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
At an art museum and I thought this was art
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.