The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My favorite female superhero
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”