Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
What a website
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.